This post clocks in around 2,500 words; I'll understand if you get off the train in Missouri. I would have.
Day 1: Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Utah
I was so happy to pull away from the house. Mostly because it meant that I was done with the packing, painting and cleaning that had brought me to my knees, or at least to the Ben-Gay. After pulling over on the freeway on-ramp to tie down that renegade tie-down, we were on our way.
I didn't feel like we were really on the road until we hit Oregon. Much to my surprise, gas was almost 20 cents cheaper in a state that won't let you pump your own gas. Exactly how much gas tax is Washington milking us for?
Oregon has a $peed limit that'$ totally de$igned to increa$e driving $afety. It's between 5 and 10 mph below the surrounding states and it all looks exactly the same. This was the one and only state we ate McDonalds in; Caspian found out that the adult menu tastes way better than the kids' meals. Cortlan was also highly enamored with the idea of playing "The Oregon Trail" while on the Oregon trail.
I was happy to escape Oregon without a mandatory donation to the traffic $afety fund.
Idaho welcomed us with a reasonable speed limit... and an army of potholes. Right after I said "Kids, welcome to Idaho!" we immediately started driving over a washboard. Oddly enough, the potholes wouldn't show themselves until I looked away to tend the kids.
My grandparents live in the southern part of Idaho and we stopped for dinner. Homemade cinnamon rolls, chicken soup and toast with home made jam... it was everything I hoped it would be and the sins of lunch were washed away. I wanted to stay the night, but I needed to keep on the travel schedule. I pulled away with more cinnamon rolls... shhh.
It was as I left Idaho that I discovered the use of headphones with my cell phone. This tool stayed with me for the rest of the trip. In related news, the van shocks also had their sentence commuted as we crossed the Utah border. The kids fell asleep right after the border and I gleefully enjoyed the peace and quiet.
We stayed at my aunt Linda's house Monday night. It's a really nice house and a relaxing breakfast with endless hot water Tuesday morning made for a wonderful start. Thanks again Linda!
Day 2 would truly begin my journey as I left the states I grew up in.
Day 2: Utah, Wyoming, and 1 hour of Nebraska.
We turned east toward Cheyenne and stopped in Evanston for lunch. This would be our first (not our last) experience with Wendy's. If you watch "The Office" this would be "the hot and juicy red-head."
Wyoming is where I first starting thinking "what kind of a person are you" towards the state I was driving through. As I drove through the Rocky Mountains, I noticed Wyoming looked like the background of the Marlboro Man poster. Hours of rugged manliness was mine to behold and the drive through Wyoming was quite entertaining. Clearly, I missed Phil at this point. Wyoming is also where I figured out that Redbox is great for traveling. We got Megamind, Scooby-doo, and Cats & Dogs... and I got my headphones. This is where the kids and I started having a very different experience on the trip. I got to talk with my traveling buddies Lauren and Cassidy and the kids got Megamind. I talked for free with Verizion's in-network promotion and this month, Verizon got bent over by me, which is good, because when the cop pulled me over I totally thought I was busted. She asked me where I was going "with all these kids," I think my response of "Georgia" probably helped my case. I got a warning and decided to repay the kindness with actually doing the speed limit.
We stopped in Laramie for dinner with friends that moved from Prosser last year. They got to run around and I didn't have to talk about "The Revenge of Kitty Galore" over dinner. Everybody wins!
We made it to Nebraska around 10pm and I was excited because Nebraska didn't even touch a state I was familiar with; I was in the frontier. We pulled up to the hotel around 11pm and I dragged exhausted kids into the room. We all collapsed and the next morning we partook of the continental breakfast. (Yes, we ate the fruit loops.) All was well until we got to the car and found that I had left the interior lights on and the battery was dead. (Yes, I swore.) The hotel had jumper cables and a willing car so it wasn't a problem. According to the guy who helped me, while in the teeth of winter, 4 or 5 people every morning have dead batteries so it's something they plan for. So if you need to stay in western Nebraska overnight, I highly recommend the AmericInn in Sidney.
But, all good things must come to and end and thus begins,
Day 3: Nebraska, Nebraska, Nebraska, Nebraska, MORE Nebraska, Iowa and Missouri.
If Wyoming is where the states started to have faces, Nebraska is where they started to have personalities. I knew it was the longest state I would have to drive through and I was prepared. I had my Redbox, my music and the 50 bucks worth of junk food I bought back in Idaho. What I didn't know is that you don't drive through Nebraska, you put your car on a giant treadmill, spin your wheels for 8 hours and look at the same scene forever. It's like watching "The Ten Commandments" twice, except it's not a movie, it's a photo. Of nothing.
These pictures were taken hours apart.
I knew I needed to make good my escape when I drove past a burning corn field and thought the smoke smell in the car was interesting.
Even the shine of movies wore off after a while.
I can't remember the name of the town we stopped for lunch in, but I remember we went to Wendy's again and that I drove the wrong way on far too many one way streets. Phil doesn't know.
Around Lincoln I left the interstate to save about 100 miles and wound up on state route 75 to Nebraska City (shocking name, I know). While on this road there was some sort of horrific accident which forced them to close several miles of road. I detoured where they told me to, but wound up on a country road with no painted lines whatsoever. My only link to civilization (since my cell had no signal at all) was the semi-trailer from FedEx I was following, assuming that he wanted to find the freeway as much as I did. Towards the end I didn't know if I had already left the state or if I was being led to a scene from a "The Blair Witch Project."
At long last, I saw it. We got back on the highway just in time to see my new boyfriend, Iowa. I only cut through the southwest corner for about 20 minutes, but it was enough to know I had finally thrown Nebraska's clothes out on the lawn. Missouri followed closely after and before I knew it, I was in Kansas City at another hotel that looked much like the first.
We check in and I realize it's only about 9pm. This started sucking very quickly for a few reasons. The kids were actually awake for this check-in and had no intention of going to sleep. This means 4 kids are using the hotel room for a jungle gym. I should also mention that Rowan had an accident (because he didn't say anything) and I had to check into the hotel with a kid that CLEARLY needed to change clothes.
Another problem was Cassidy's impending speech at the Tea Party rally in DC on Thursday. I needed to get together with the sisters to fine tune the speech; trying to wrap my head around that while telling kids to "go the crap to sleep" around 30 times was taxing. I signed off from the speech chat at about 11:30 central (time zones were little more than a footnote at this point) and tried to go to sleep.
I called down to the front desk around midnight to ask what time the continental breakfast ended only to discover that they don't have one, but an overpriced restaurant and buffet would be more than happy to serve up Missouri's finest crap. This should have been my first inkling that Missouri is nicknamed "Misery" for a reason.
Day 4: Bleepin Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky and Tennessee.
I awoke and got out of the hotel as fast as possible. For breakfast we ate some produce we purchased back in Wyoming. I figured we would stop early for lunch.
That lunch was where the trip stopped being fun.
Columbia, Missouri is smack-dab in the middle of the state. The exit sign promised food and I had this idea that we could go to the mall's food court, pick what we wanted, walk around a bit and be on our way. I was so very, very wrong.
There is a huge carousel in the mall which the kids, of course, want to ride. I ask about tickets and the attendant directs me to a token machine, which only takes 1's & 5's. I find the ATM, knowing it will cost me $5 in fees and I take out $50 (might as well make the fee worth it.) Two 20's and a 10 later I'm at the Sbarro's pizza asking to break the 10 into two 5's. Of course he can't. Next I see a Barnes & Noble and I ask the young lady at the counter if she can break a 10. She says I have to buy something so I take a look around. I wind up getting almost $100 of activities for the kids and take my purchases up to her counter. Her scanner is broken, so she starts keying in the codes by hand. She then asks me about joining the B&N book club for an additional $25 and when I ask her if I can get additional cash back she says she can't do that. Then I hold up my $10 bill and ask if she can break it to which she replies, "I don't know if I can do that" and starts poking around on her console.
This is where I uncorked.
She has enough time to try and sell me things at the register but not enough time to figure out how her scanner works or how to make friggin change. I'm here unloading a hundred bucks on crap like "Where's Waldo" and she's the last straw in a long line of Missouri folks that can't or won't get the job done.
I close my wallet as I drop the only f-bomb I have ever directed towards a sales clerk. I tell her to... forget it and walk away, leaving everything on the counter. At this point I'm on the Highway to Hell and I figure venting can't make it any worse.
I use ice cream from Dairy Queen to get the $5 bill I need and we get our 3 minute ride on the carousel. We climb back in the car and have to settle for Wendy's (again). Columbia MO, I hate you.
Because of the lost time I hit St. Louis at the beginning of rush hour, which evidently begins at 3:30. The consolation prize was escaping to Illinois, which is known for three things. Chicago, wind and corruption. If I'm going to get a ticket, Illinois is where it's going to be. Luckily this state was uneventful and I escaped Illinois unscathed, other than another Rowan accident. I'm running out of clothes for him at this point and I have one pair of pants left.
Now Showing: Escape from Missouri
Kentucky. The Chick-Fil-A and southern accents overshadowed the fact that along the sides of the road, there are so many cigarette butts I thought it was some sort of white gravel put down on purpose. We made excellent time and arrived in Nashville about 10:30, just in time for the kids to fall asleep in the car; We did not repeat the previous night. I get settled and hear Cassidy's speech went well and was broadcast live on c-span. Cass posted the speech on her blog if you are interested.
I'm so close to Georgia I can taste it.
Day 5: Teasing Tennessee and home sweet home.
I happen to have a old friend in Nashville and take the herd of kids to breakfast at this trendy restaurant that charged $45 for 5 Odwalla drinks and 5 bowls of oatmeal. The kids know there is more junk food in the car and barely touch the food. I retaliate by taking them to a nearby park and letting them play for an hour while I catch up with my friend. I'm so out of parenting skills at this point that when Rowan slips in the mud and ruins his last pair of pants, I don't care and tell him to, "go back and play, it will dry shortly." Because of the extended breakfast, we get on the road around noon. Phil has been trying to raise me on the phone and is miffed that he has to wait another 4 hours to see us. (I'll totally own this one, my bad.)
Tennessee proved to be a tease though. Toward the border, the interstate dips down into Georgia for a few miles. I make a big deal of the "Welcome to Georgia sign" to the kids, only to have them see another "Welcome to Tennessee" 10 minutes later.
Not cool Tennessee. We never did see the real border to Georgia.
We stop for a bathroom break at a Cracker Barrel where I promptly lose my keys. I found them at the front desk, but images of being trapped with not even my cell phone were plentiful. This was the closest I got to panicking on the whole trip.
Georgia traffic was much different then I thought it would be. Here, 70mph is a suggestion from the police that nobody follows. I was going 80 and cars were pulling away from me. The glorious GPS flawlessly guided me to our new home where Phil was outside waiting for us. It was a very picturesque reunion and this house is even cooler than I thought! The kids love it here and Cortlan has discovered that Atlanta has one of his favorite things, warm rain. There is also a pond nearby that has turtles, ducks and at least one snake.
Cortlan also got his wish.
P.S. The next day, the van blew a flat.
